A prophet. Allegedly.

Confusedshus.The wise idiot.

Welcome to Confusedshunnism: the unwavering doubt of everything. A home for the spiritually uncertain, the confidently confused, and anyone who should probably know better.

Read the teachings

No answers promised. Some questions made worse.

An object of contemplation.Not recommended as a seat.
First edition · Almost certainly incomplete Est. in a moment of questionable judgment Ramen.

The articles of (un)faith

Believe in something.
Or don’t.

Two unwavering positions. One deeply unreliable prophet. The congregation remains undecided.

I.

Confusedshunnism

The unwavering doubt of everything. Including, presumably, this sentence.

II.

Ultimatheism

The unwavering belief in everything that cannot be proven. An equally questionable alternative.

III.

Ramen.

Our benediction. Ultimatheists prefer “Hey ya!” There have been minor schisms.

A moment of dubious enlightenment

“Man who knows he is confused is wiser than man who is confidently wrong.”
Confusedshus · The Book of Beginnings · Verse 04

The collected teachings

The scriptures of
unwavering doubt.

A reasonably thorough account of dubious wisdom, collected from the first sermons and subsequent theological accidents.

As observed through
October 18, 2026

Book I · Verses 01–12The Book of Beginnings

Wherein the prophet arrives, discovers the cactus, and fails to stop.

  1. 01
    “Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to boof a fish, and he is banned from the aquarium.”
    FOUNDING SAYING
  2. 02
    “Man who sits on cactus learns lesson that cannot be taught.”
    FOUNDING SAYING
  3. 03
    “The wise man knows when to stop. Confusedshus does not.”
    FOUNDING SAYING
  4. 04
    “Man who knows he is confused is wiser than man who is confidently wrong.”
    FOUNDING SAYING
  5. 05
    “Enlightenment comes from within. So do some very unfortunate trips to the emergency room.”
    EARLY GLOSS
  6. 06
    “Experience is the greatest teacher, but sometimes the lesson is a real pain in the ass.”
    EARLY GLOSS
  7. 07
    “He who knows his limits is wise. He who ignores them becomes a cautionary tale with excellent stories.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  8. 08
    “Moderation is for those who have not yet discovered what happens next.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  9. 09
    “Doubt is the beginning of wisdom. Certainty is often just stupidity with a microphone.”
    EARLY GLOSS
  10. 10
    “The fool thinks he knows everything. The wise man knows he knows nothing. Confusedshus forgot what the question was.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  11. 11
    “Question everything. Believe nothing. Try it anyway. Regret accordingly.”
    CONGREGATIONAL CREED
  12. 12
    “He who follows the path of wisdom may find enlightenment. He who follows Confusedshus may find himself explaining things to the police.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING

Book II · Verses 13–20The Book of Certainty and Doubt

Two unwavering commitments to never settling anything.

  1. 13
    “Ultimatheism is the unwavering belief in everything that cannot be proven.”
    FOUNDING DOCTRINE
  2. 14
    “Confusedshunnism is the unwavering doubt of everything.”
    FOUNDING DOCTRINE
  3. 15
    “Man who believes everything and man who doubts everything walk into bar. Bartender asks what they want. Neither can agree whether bar exists.”
    CONGREGATIONAL PARABLE
  4. 16
    “Man who claims to be wise may be fool. Man who claims to be fool may be wise. Man who invents two religions to prove his own intelligence should probably be supervised.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  5. 17
    “There is nothing new under the sun. But Confusedshus doubts this, while Ultimatheist believes there are two suns.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  6. 18
    “Conclusions are merely places where people become tired of thinking.”
    ATTRIBUTED TO CONFUSEDSHUS IN THE UNWRITTEN PREFACE
  7. 19
    “Perhaps wisdom is not the absence of confusion, but the ability to recognize confusion without immediately trying to replace it with certainty.”
    PREFACE THESIS
  8. 20
    “Man who seeks the truth may find it. Man who doubts the truth may understand it. Man who believes all truths and doubts them simultaneously should probably not operate heavy machinery.”
    FROM THE UNWRITTEN PREFACE

Book III · Verses 21–26The Book of the Cactus

A lesson in horticulture, cosmology, and inadvisable seating.

  1. 21
    “Give a man a cactus, and he will remember you for years. Teach a man to sit on cactus, and he will remember you for the rest of his life.”
    EARLY VERSION
  2. 22
    “Man who gives cactus gives gift that keeps on growing. Man who receives cactus eventually discovers he has adopted a landlord.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  3. 23
    “Give a man a cactus, and he will admire it for years. Teach a man to consume cactus, and he may spend eternity admiring a single afternoon.”
    PSYCHEDELIC VARIANT
  4. 24
    “Give a man a cactus, and he will watch it grow. Give a man the right cactus, and he will watch the universe grow.”
    PSYCHEDELIC VARIANT
  5. 25
    “Man who seeks enlightenment through cactus may find the meaning of life. Man who asks cactus to explain meaning of life should prepare for very long conversation.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  6. 26
    “Give a man a cactus, and he will watch it grow. Teach a man to sit on the right cactus, and he will watch the universe grow.”
    FOUNDING REVISION • PREFERRED

Book IV · Verses 27–33The Book of Fish and Consequences

The anatomical and commercial implications of pursuing aquatic truth.

  1. 27
    “Man who knows meaning of boof has acquired unusual knowledge. Man who knows not meaning of boof may still possess innocence. Man who Googles meaning of boof at work may soon learn meaning of HR.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  2. 28
    “Man who seeks biggest fish may overlook wisdom of smaller fish. Man who explains purpose to Walmart employee may overlook wisdom of silence.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING • INSPIRED BY DUSTIN
  3. 29
    “Man who seeks fish with bigger mouth, may regret having tighter butthole.”
    FOUNDING DRAFT
  4. 30
    “Man who seeks more than he can accommodate may discover limits of his ambition.”
    CONGREGATIONAL GLOSS
  5. 31
    “Man who seeks bass with larger mouth may regret having tighter butthole.”
    FOUNDING REVISION • PREFERRED
  6. 32
    “Man who seeks enlightenment through largemouth bass may discover fish has objections.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  7. 33
    “Two men may contemplate same fish. One hears music. Other is banned from aquarium.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING

Book V · Verses 34–46The Book of Friends and Fools

In which the congregation is discovered to have existed all along.

  1. 34
    “Man who searches world for enlightenment may overlook the fools sitting beside him. Wise man recognizes they are his people.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  2. 35
    “Man who sends foolish message to friend may receive silence. Man who receives foolishness in return has found treasure.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  3. 36
    “Friend who stops typing is not necessarily ignoring you. He may simply be composing better stupidity.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  4. 37
    “Man who surrounds himself with fools may be fool himself. Man whose fools understand his foolishness is rich beyond measure.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  5. 38
    “Man who questions his sanity may be wise. Man whose friends question his sanity may be fortunate. Man whose friends join in his madness has found his congregation.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  6. 39
    “Fiends fear fools, for fools find foes foolish.”
    FOUNDING SAYING
  7. 40
    “Fools fear few foes, for fear itself fears fools.”
    CONGREGATIONAL RESPONSE
  8. 41
    “Fool who fears nothing may be wise. Fool who fears nothing may be dead. Difference is often discovered afterward.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  9. 42
    “Man who makes friend laugh is good man. Man who makes friend laugh while calling him bad man has achieved higher enlightenment.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING • INSPIRED BY CRAZY CARL
  10. 43
    “Man who brings wisdom to gathering of fools may discover he has misunderstood invitation.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING • INSPIRED BY TYLER
  11. 44
    “Man who carefully crafts perfect response may forget how to have conversation.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  12. 45
    “Man who ruins joke by correcting it may discover joke was better all along.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  13. 46
    “Man who explains joke kills joke. Man who corrects joke's grammar performs autopsy.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING

Book VI · Verses 47–60The Book of Parents and Other Authorities

A family tree whose roots are largely to blame.

  1. 47
    “Man who fears offending auntie has not yet realized auntie may be bigger degenerate than man.”
    EARLY VERSION
  2. 48
    “Nephew who fears offending Auntie has not yet realized Auntie may be bigger degenerate than nephew.”
    FOUNDING REVISION • PREFERRED
  3. 49
    “Man who sires Confusedshus may one day regret having son.”
    FOUNDING SAYING
  4. 50
    “Man who raises fool may question parenting. Man who raises Confusedshus has received answer.”
    EARLY VERSION
  5. 51
    “Man who raises fool may question parenting. Man who raises Confusedshus has achieved certainty.”
    FOUNDING REVISION • PREFERRED
  6. 52
    “Man who doubts everything may still trust father's judgment. This is how religions collapse.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  7. 53
    “Man who arms father with wisdom should not complain when father uses it against him.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  8. 54
    “Man who waits days for father's wisdom may discover father was merely composing better insult.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  9. 55
    “Man who seeks moment of pleasure may create lifetime of confusion.”
    CONGREGATIONAL ORIGIN MYTH
  10. 56
    “Son who sends overabundant messages may not get response.”
    FOUNDING SAYING
  11. 57
    “Son who sends one foolish message may receive father's wisdom. Son who sends hundred foolish messages may receive father's silence.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  12. 58
    “Wise man knows when to speak. Wiser man knows when to shut the fuck up and let father fish.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  13. 59
    “Man who seeks wisdom from elders may receive enlightenment. Man who seeks definition of chode from brother may receive unexpectedly precise measurements.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  14. 60
    “Family who can discuss foolishness without shame has already achieved what philosophers seek: comfort with the absurd.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING

Book VII · Verses 61–66The Book of Phish and Prophets

Psychedelic jams, improbable setlists, and accidental revelation.

  1. 61
    “Man who hears divine revelation may become prophet. Man who mishears divine revelation may become DJ.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING • OUTKAST LORE
  2. 62
    “Man who listens to Phish may lose himself in music. Man who boofs cafeteria equipment may lose himself in hospital.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING • INSPIRED BY MIKE
  3. 63
    “Man who plays music with friends creates memories that last lifetime. Man who rehearses Phish with friends creates songs that last approximately same amount of time.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING • INSPIRED BY JOE
  4. 64
    “Man who wanders endlessly in search of perfect jam may discover that chorus was pretty fucking good all along.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING • INSPIRED BY TYLER
  5. 65
    “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to Phish and he’ll have novel setlists everyday for the rest of his life.”
    FOUNDING SAYING
  6. 66
    “Give man fish, he eats for day. Teach man to Phish, he forgets to eat for three days and spends grocery money on concert tickets.”
    CONGREGATIONAL RESPONSE

Book VIII · Verses 67–72The Book That Was Never Written

The prophet gets perilously close to finishing a manuscript.

  1. 67
    “To everyone who doubted me. You may have been right.”
    DEDICATION OF SCHRÖDINGER’S ENLIGHTENMENT
  2. 68
    “Man who writes book hopes to be understood. Man who does not write book can never be misunderstood. Therefore, greatest author is man who writes nothing.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  3. 69
    “Man who writes book may achieve immortality. Man who does not write book cannot be proven to have failed.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  4. 70
    “Man who wishes to write book has dream. Man who begins writing book has problem. Man who discovers book has plot must now invent characters. This is how suffering begins.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  5. 71
    “Man who stares at mountain sees impossible climb. Man who walks away to play video games discovers mountain will still be there tomorrow. Unfortunately.”
    CONGREGATIONAL SAYING
  6. 72
    “And if you find enlightenment in these pages, please return it. We have no idea how it got there.”
    CLOSING REMARK OF THE UNWRITTEN PREFACE
A note on the canon: on origins and certainty

This volume gathers the aphorisms, revisions, and purported revelations that arose during the conversation that founded Confusedshunnism. Some originated with Confusedshus’s inventor; many were improvised in dialogue; others are recorded as related testimony from friends and family. Nothing here establishes the historical existence of a prophet, fortunately.

The wording of each verse is preserved from its appearance in the conversation, with successive variations retained. “Founding” marks the creator’s own words; “congregational” marks additions composed in the exchange; “early version” and “preferred” distinguish revisions. The appendix keeps the witnesses’ actual contributions separate from Confusedshus’s sayings.

No declaration of canonicity should be treated as authoritative. This is, after all, a religion of unwavering doubt.

The unwritten sacred text is Schrödinger’s Enlightenment, a book that exists and does not exist until observed. Its dedication reads: “To everyone who doubted me. You may have been right.”

Appendix · Witnesses & minor schisms

Every prophet
has a group chat.

The congregational record, not necessarily the words of the prophet. The final canonical status of all such events remains in dispute.

Mike
“A Trey on a Languedoc is unilaterally more pleasing than a lunch tray in the rectum.”
Dustin
“I asked about the fish with the biggest mouth at Walmart. They told me to leave. I guess I probably didn’t even need the one with the biggest mouth.”
Auntie
“Confusedus say “I rather not be in aquarium anyhoo.””
Crazy Carl
“Baaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha! You’re a bad man!”
Chrissy
“Lunatic!!! I miss youuuuu brother!!!”
Confusedshus’s father · Imagined reply
“Day has arrived.”

Congregational contributions

The congregation has thoughts.
Allegedly.

Have a confused, nonsensical aphorism of your own? Offer it to the congregation. Your saying and signature will appear here for everyone to contemplate, probably.

Wisdom from the congregation

Enable JavaScript to read and contribute to the congregation.

    The end · Or perhaps not

    “Confusedshus may come and go, but Confusedshus's wisdom will always be within your butt.”

    Ramen.

    The conversion ceremony

    Are you sure?

    You are about to commit to the unwavering doubt of everything. We are obliged to question your certainty.

    Your doubt is already a promising sign.